When you've had a twin flame experience it leaves you changed.I've grown and expanded in so many ways, but I've also shut down in one very particular area... My romantic heart.
You will often hear people say they can't ever settle for less than their twin and without that person they will just be alone.
I have felt that.
I am living that.
I say I'm open to romantic love again, but I have great walls up. Here's the thing though, it's time for me to get honest about that, I'm not choosing against being in another relationship because of my past love for Tony. Not because I believe that I can't love again, or have a fulfilling relationship with another man, but because of how deeply he hurt me.
I've healed in many, many ways, but there is still a resistance in my soul that never wants to feel that depth of pain again and I'm willing to give up any chance at real love in the future for it. That's when I kinda hate Tony a little... he broke me in a way I didn't know I was breakable.
Then I take a breath and determine to decide for myself and not be a victim to anyone.
Remember that I truly believe you walk this journey the best you know how. People are rarely where I'm at when I'm here. In a year or so, then everyone seems to be on board, but I'm not waiting another year to say this. It's so easy to be in denial about the fear of being hurt and rejected again and say it's that you can't love anyone other than your twin. I'm taking the bold step and saying for me, it's not that I can't love another, it's that I fear that love. So this post is for me. If you find relevance in it, fantastic, if you don't, then let it go... Maybe come back in a year. ;)
Where I differ from many in their opinions of twin flames is that I
do believe you can love again afterwards. It's a deep knowing in my soul more than anything. My soul tells me that Tony's breaking me open was preparing me for love so deep and so encompassing that I will be forever changed by it... this time without that pain that burns you to ash. My guides have said what they want me to see now is the reverse of the twin flame, or the "back side" of it. They've said I will be to this new person what Tony was to me, but that I will awaken him with love, not pain and he will heal me in return.
I know many would want to argue that just means Tony wasn't my twin, but my catalyst. I don't want to get into an argument, but I will say that I had a catalyst before Tony. It was my guides who told me Tony was my twin, before I'd ever heard the term. It was my guides who told me I wouldn't be with Tony in this lifetime. It was my guides who said, you didn't know what you found with Tony existed before you experienced that, how can you be so arrogant to think there may not be something even more that you won't understand until you've felt it?
I find the twin flame phenomena intense, complex and confusing on many levels, but I know what Tony was to me and it will not do me well to downplay it so that I can move on.
He is my twin flame, but I will move on... IF I can get over myself.
But I'm too afraid so I let people suffer?
No, it's not that simple and I'm not so arrogant to think I'm the savior of the twin flame world, but I do know how god uses me and right now, I am completely stuck in fear and ego and not wanting to move forward.
I don't like this. It's compromising my life.
I don't want this. I want to be whole and healthy and unafraid to love someone if I should get the chance.
I hate that this is currently my truth, that fear has taken moving forward in a new romantic relationship off the table... but it is and has been like this for two years. I'm healed in all the ways that matter to be able to give my heart... it's just this damn fear that has it locked up.
Me being me, I'm going to do something about it. I have to. I have to find a way to move past this fear and lovingly open my heart again... somehow. I'm going to risk again. I have to. I'm going to see if it truly is possible, not only to find love again after a twin flame, but to discover if what I believe in my soul to be true, that I can find even greater love because of my twin flame experience, is true.
Everyone is against me in this... most everyone. The twin flame world will argue and fight and say nasty things about me if I do this publicly... but how can I not? All of my journey I've shared. Maybe I'm about to fall flat on my face, but I guess I need to know and stop living with theories and what ifs.
I've been talking a lot about this big money crunch I'm facing next month, and while it does scare me, I'm feeding my fear of this into it making it much greater, knocking my law of attraction work all to hell and giving myself an excuse not to deal with this. Maybe no one can relate to this, but this is the next step in my journey... I have to know.
Most of this will find it's way onto the Patreon blog, so if this does resonate, if you want to be supportive, or just silently watch, then please join me there. I'm always experimenting with my life, but in many ways, this is the biggest thing I've had to face. I want the visions and things my guides have shown me to be true, but it is a long way from here to there... but avoiding it is wrecking havoc on my life. There are doors closing and big scary stuff threatening to move in with me and the only area in my life that is out of alignment, is this. And it's not even out of alignment as much as I'm in willful, ego fueled opposition to my guides here. That never bodes well for a person.
So here I go... I'm in. If you want to follow along, like I said, join on patreon... you don't have to agree with me, but love and support is always appreciated... and who knows, maybe the only point I'll prove is what so many already think. Either way, I have to know.
Namaste and blessings all and peace to your soul. ~ Samantha
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