The Dark and the Light of Being the "Other Woman"

Many people within the twin flame experience will come upon something they never thought they would... being the "other woman".

These are hard waters to navigate. The longer I work in the twin flame community, the more alarm I feel by the current crop of women who feel like sitting and waiting for the man to "choose" them, is their only option.

I feel we are forgetting the very real consequences of affairs on everyone in our very narrowly focused lens of, but this is my other half. Today I'd like to address the realities in several spectrums and hopefully, with love, remind you of the point to a twin flame and unconditional love from my point of view.

On a side note before we get started, I will be writing this in gender specific pronouns, simply because I'm basing this on the bulk of the mail I receive and while yes, men, I do realize you also end up on the other side of the married curse, it is more women than men on this side and I simply don't feel I have a strong enough foundation to speak to men on this as this is one of those areas where it often plays out very differently depending on if you're a man or woman. I hope, especially if you are also in an affair, you will read the article anyway and perhaps get some insight into what this woman you love is going through. Namaste to you all, whatever your situation.

So you've met your twin flame and they're married.

The first thing you have to understand is that
you are far from alone and no matter what I may say in this post, I am not judging you. Many of us have found ourselves in complex situations that lead to competition with another woman when it comes to our twin flames. In my own personal experience, it was a woman he met after me, who he deemed "safer". When she eventually found out about the bond he and I shared, it apparently blew up for him and it was at that point he chose her and he and I haven't spoken since.


That being said, I have met, talked to, and walked with, countless women in the very traditional, he's married, sense and as it is my mission to help, twin flames especially, live their best life, there are a few very red flags I'd like to mention to you all today. Things that I think affect the quality of your life, which to me, is paramount.

At this point in time, from my experiences in my own situation, and in watching countless others, I would advise you not to get trapped in this particular side shoot. However, that being said, most of you will embark on this affair anyway and after the initial rush is gone, what happens is that leaves you waiting.

While I know you feel like being faithful and waiting is the right thing to do, I would question what is it doing to your life? At the end of the day, that's your most telling feature.

Do you have joy?

Do you have passion?

Are you working towards something meaningful?

Do you have friends and family who love and support you and know about your twin flame and your decision to wait?

There are situations where I absolutely believe that waiting is the right thing. There seems to be a time, or a season, for it. There is work to be done, healing to happen, and lessons learned. If that's where you are, then be in that. Be true to yourself, but today I'm talking more to those of you who've gone to the other side. Where that season has ended, but you're still holding on, wishing things different.

The biggest thing that most people overlook when they are having an affair with their twin, is that they have choices. There is nothing that says you must wait on this person to "choose" you. The absolute truth is, you have the right, and I would go so far as to say, the duty to yourself, to command respect and honesty in your relationships and in your life. Your choices effect your life, your kids, your spirituality. What you do, think, and say, matters. Sneaking around with another person will always leave your life diminished in some way and most people don't enjoy it once that first rush is past.

Finding the strength to say, I deserve better than this, is hard, make no mistake, especially if the choice you make is to end the affair, but still wait for reunion. Your emotions and feelings are very real, but at the end of the day, we have to make hard choices all the time, this is just another one. I know you have the strength within to do what is right for you. Just be honest above all else about what you're doing, and why.

Though there is a lofty ideal of, if he's married, you just don't cross that line, we all say that, until it happens to us. Let's deal with the reality of the situation when you've met your twin flame and they, or you, are married. 

We always have to be honest with ourselves and our feelings and there will be a time during the initial spark that will be incredibly hard to resist. You need to proceed with caution though and your eyes open.

Affairs, even in the twin flame world, tend to get stuck at just that, an affair, sometimes for years. Is that what you want? Be realistic about human behavior. Yes, twin flames are different, the pull to be together is strong, the universe seems to keep pushing you together, but I don't believe it's so that you'll have an affair, but more so that you'll do the work together you're meant to do.

We are however human and the chemistry with our twin flames is often more than we've ever felt. If you are having an affair with yours, leave guilt and shame at the door. You are not alone, you're not a bad person, you are alive and experiencing something few people ever will, true passion, chemistry and a soul bond so deep you can't find the bottom. We don't always handle that well, especially in the beginning.

Here's the big point though, I will tell you after years of this work and talking to countless people, I've seen maybe four people actually leave marriages and devote themselves to their twin. I've heard of a handful more. That's not good odds. I'm not telling you don't do it. On the contrary, if you indulge, indulge wholeheartedly and enjoy every second of being with this person, BUT do not expect this to end in the happily ever after way you want. Not at this time. There will be much work to do and once the mirroring really kicks in, there will be a push/pull that can be unbearable at times.

That's why I'm saying, whatever the beginning, enjoy every second of it... but then get ready to do the work.

Here are a few traps you must be careful not to fall into.

• Believing this is "the plan."

We don't know what "the plan" is. What we are relatively sure of, is that twin flames have a special calling on their lives. We volunteered to come here to help elevate the planet to something greater. An affair doesn't do that. So while an affair may be what happens for a time, that in and of itself is not "the plan."

• Believing the wife doesn't matter, or is to blame.

 The common misconception is that the "wife" is the bad guy. No matter what you decide, stay grounded in reality, there is no bad guy. Life and relationships are complicated and you can't see her side of it from where you're sitting, so don't go there. 

• Comforting yourself with "He doesn't love her the way he does me." "He says they have nothing in common." "He wants to be with me." You will translate that in your mind to, he's just getting up the courage, then he'll come to me.

In reality, in most cases, that's not what's happening. Fact of the matter is, if you are truly twin flames, you scare the living hell out of him. Whether he admits that or not. That fear is damn hard to face and by being in the affair with him, he's getting all of you he can handle. His needs are being met while yours are not. You're waiting on reunion, while, on some level, he's simply managing intensity to a degree he can handle.
I've spoken to many male married twins and while I'm not speaking for everyone, I've heard enough similarities in their stories to tell you there are four reasons they don't leave, and may never leave.

1. They don't want to be the bad guy. Their marriage is comfortable and they don't want to make waves. They may perceive themselves as the anchor of their family unit and they feel guilty enough for falling in love with you, they won't take the step to leave because then they have to admit to being imperfect, to doing something "wrong".
2. Guilt, plain and simple. Leaving will hurt this other woman, who, despite what they tell you, they do worry about at the very least and if there are kids involved, they cannot face the shame of breaking apart their family.
3. You scare the hell out of them. They see in you everything they've always wanted, but never knew existed and what if they break apart their entire world... and you turn out to be an illusion? That's some scary stuff and fear keeps them paralyzed. *Please don't think you can prove to them otherwise, you can't. This is internal work they must do and nothing you do or say will make a difference here. You are not being asked to sacrifice your life to prove something to him about your being a rock they can trust. You either are, or you're not, and they need to figure that out on their own.
4. What's happening, is simply working for them. They aren't having to do anything. They have you, devotedly "waiting", and they have their family and public life. It's win-win and all they have to do is keep you attached enough to not rock the boat. Yes, that sounds cold and callous, but there are men out there who are feeling this and doing this.

I don't believe in anyway that simply because you have met this other half, that it means marriages should end, families should be broken, and commitments thrown to the wind. There is work to be done on a soul level and that needs to be your focus. Stop using the twin flame connection as an excuse to do something you ordinarily wouldn't do.

I hear way too often, people saying, "But this is different." "We can't stay away from each other."

Honestly, the twin flame connection is very different. Your having an affair is not.

Every person who's ever entered into an affair not "meaning" to, was most likely carried away by a strong connection  they felt they couldn't deny. Being a twin flame does not give you a right to sneak around and lie to people, break commitments, and tear apart families. It just doesn't and for as long as you choose to see it that way, you are keeping your relationship trapped in a lower energy that won't support true reunion.

Remember that if he leaves her, he's bringing all his baggage with him to your door, and you now have guilt and baggage from this as well. Handle the situation in the best possible light and if reunion happens, it will be sustained.

But what about how twins are supposed to create a new relationship dynamic?

An affair is as old a time. That's not a new dynamic.

What would be a new dynamic is open and honesty with those we love and are committed to, even going so far as polyamory in some cases.

There is no denying the pull to your twin flame. There is no denying the chemistry between you. What's most troubling to me, however, is that women seem convinced this man is their other half, therefore feel like they can't leave, but simply have to accept what is until their twin wakes up and faces his "fears".

That's not unconditional love.

That's enabling.

It's also you refusing to make a decision for yourself. It's you putting responsibility for your choices on someone else and that never ends well.

What is meant to be will be. You have to be true to your heart and soul, and if that means that person is it for you, then fine, but wait in a healthy manner with healthy boundaries that isn't hurting other people. Quite frankly, it's all about energy, so what energy are you creating? Is it light and love, or dark under cover and sadness?

There will come a time when you are able to breathe. After the initial meeting and tumult, even after you've already embarked on the affair. In that moment however you need to be very honest with yourself, no excuses. Is this the life you want? Is this the relationship you want, the way it is, right now?

If the answer to these things is no, then it's time to do some soul searching and decide what's best for you. An affair will trap you in sadness, sometimes for years. It's not from a place of "moral high ground" that I say this, it's from a place of deep love, don't do this to yourself. The twin flame should come into your life to wake you up, bring you deeper into god. In the end you should feel more alive then ever, find your courage to follow your true soul calling and be out there touching the world. Not sitting at home, hoping he finds someway to call you tonight and wondering when you'll next get to see him.

The last thing I'd like to say is, I don't believe in any way, that we are meant to bring pain into the lives of another. What is between your twin flame and his wife, someone he's committed to, is between them and you should be encouraging him to be right in that situation whether that's stay or leave, there is a right place for him to be and true love encourages that.

The difference between being a twin flame and being anyone else, is we are to BE love. Unconditional love extends to the woman he is bonded to. Don't downplay that commitment.

Each situation is different, but don't get sucked down to the lower energy of badmouthing his wife and saying that he doesn't love her, he isn't happy, he needs to leave. None of that is for you to say and if you intend to walk this path with him, at least do it from a higher vibration of love that refuses to speak badly of someone, you most likely don't even know.

These wives and the children are real people who's lives you are influencing by your choices. Who do you want to be in this? Unconditional love sacrifices self. I'm not saying be a martyr, but be honest about what is going on in his life and if he's needed there, if he still has business there, step aside and let him finish it.

Support him. Love him. Send him light, but let him walk the path he needs to walk. Don't enable him, or give him the option of walking less than he is. You're better than that and if you are better than that, then so must your other half be.

All in all this is a very complex situation,  but at the end of the day, we are the twin flames, we are here to bring love and light to this world and we are not doing it when we are the trail of wreckage in others lives.

There is a way and that way is love.

For more on this, my own twin flame story, readings and private sessions, visit my website or join me online at Patreon, a subscription service that will give you the most intimate and raw details of my own twin flame experience as well as my walk in the world.

Be well and be blessed my kindred twins, and know that you are stronger than you think and never alone.