Sunday Reflection - How my Twin Flame journey changed everything for me.

I'm a mystic, so there are things I just know, but I couldn't tell you how I know them. It's just written on my soul somewhere.

It's not always fun when you're in a relationship with me. All my life I've annoyed people, not because I've had strong feelings about this or that, but more because I always seem to turn out to be right. And that's truly not arrogance, it freaks me out more often than not!

Two years ago I realized this twin flame journey wasn't about romance. I started writing about that, but people did not want to hear it and I wasn't mature enough to stand my ground. I got beaten and I ran off with my tail between my legs to lick wounds.

I sometimes wonder what my life would have been right now had I truly been ready to step into myself back then and stand in the truth I knew.

Not that it's here nor there. I believe in god's timing and I believe events are lined up the way they are meant. I'm here now and about to start the next big leg of my journey and I'm excited for that. At the same time, it's got me feeling a bit reflective. Plus I'm writing out my tf story from start to finish on Patreon now so I'm reliving a lot of the past three years. What an amazing journey of love this has been!

I've started the story a few months before I actually met my twin because of so many things that had to align for us to even have met, but in that I see such beauty. I see how I was always on a path to meeting that beautiful man and meeting him changed everything for me.

It sent me to hell and broke me in some ways that never reset the way they were before, but most days, in the stillness, I see the beauty of it all.

As with much of my past where there is great pain, I wish
it didn't have to have happen, but then being raised Christian, I go back to the story of Jesus and no matter who you believe him to be, I'm sure he wished the agonizing death part hadn't happened. I think of him praying in the gardens at Gethsemane and asking if there be anyway that cup can be taken, but if not, Thy will be done.

I so feel him in that moment. I spent much of my tf relationship in exactly that place emotionally. I look to Jesus in many ways as my teacher because our lives have so many parallels. Jesus comforts me because he walked this path I'm on, to an even greater degree. I do however wish I knew more of his relationship to Mary Magdalene... that fascinates me to be honest, but now I'm off on a rabbit trail. lol

I think when you get on this journey you want to find other people like yourself. My life has found me more often then not, just outside looking in. I think it goes back to the knowing certain things, but the people around me are just to the left of those things so while I get them and I can celebrate where they are, I'm still over here, not able to move away from my own knowing.

I think though, where I'm getting that wrong, is that I'm not supposed to be sitting on the outside looking in, but gently saying, you're beautiful, but step two paces to the left.

That may not make sense, but it's like in BDSM, I've always been too kinky for vanilla people, to vanilla for the kinky set. In the erotic romance I've written, it's too much story for many looking for ER, and not enough sex. For those looking for traditional romance, the sex was too explicit. In christianity, I was too new age, in new age, I'm too christian. In twin flames, I was loudly trying to express, as the ship went down, that it wasn't about romance, but everyone just wanted to hear, hang in there, it'll be fine.

It has been a long frustration and has left me quite weary. I constantly feel like I'm not expressing myself the way I mean to be, or that I'm speaking a different language as people read what I write and then come at me with things that, in my mind, didn't even relate to what I was trying to say.

Then I heard someone say once that if you are a leader, you may a well replace the word with target, because it's the exact same thing and I realized that was my cross if you will. I was sent here, volunteered I believe to be a leader, a teacher, someone who knew and could help those seeking to find just the right place, but instead of doing that, I felt badly that I couldn't step into their place.

The twin flame experience has certainly given me more experience speaking in public and writing in public than I ever imagined for my life. There are some very high highs, and very low lows and while I do realize it is not my job to "save" people, when someone writes you from the depth of their depression, lost, alone and afraid, and nothing you do flips that switch on for them... it's despairing and I got angry.

I nearly walked away from everything at one point because I knew two people who died because of this twin flame business. I never wanted to hear the term twin flame again and I tried and tired to turn my back on it. It had nothing to do with Tony or our separation, it had to do with those still in it, drowning. It's like I couldn't save them, so I didn't want to watch the pain and suffering anymore.

At the end of the day, we are only accountable for ourselves and this journey I started on three years or so ago has become this phenomena within the spiritual world that again I feel just to the side of. I believe at this time that this is THE catalyst of your life. It is the thing that comes in shakes you awake and leaves you someplace so foreign, you have to relearn everything you thought you knew.

I think though when you do that, you are set up to touch the world in ways you couldn't imagine before, and truly, I also think you land in a place where dreams really do start to come true. It's like being in Wonderland, truly. I've always identified with Alice, but never more so than through my twin flame journey.

You're walking in this world where everyone has lost their minds and you can't make sense of it and they can't make sense of you.

In the end though, I feel I've made peace with both the experience and the world I live in now. I'm not always happy with it. I still wish there was more love and less pain, but I accept it and I accept my place in it. For today, that's enough.

I love my twin, I do, deeply, but we aren't together, I can't imagine us being together, but then miracle do happen every day and we don't know what tomorrow holds. Still the journey swept through my life and left nothing untouched. I am not the same as I was before and that, to me, has great worth.

There are moments with Tony that I treasure beyond anything in my life. Moments when we were really together, moments he was able to get past his own fear and really be with me and I was able to get past my hurt and be with him. Moments of love, romantic, beautiful love. There was this one time, we were at a gas station getting gas, and I'd gotten out of the truck to run into the store part and when I came back, he and I couldn't stop kissing one another. A lady yelled across the gas station, "I know you two must be on your honeymoon!"

I treasure that moment.

Whatever the journey was or wasn't for him, it was very real for me and I loved him in a way I've never loved another man. I'm thankful to know what that feels like. From the amazing beginning rush of falling in love, all the way to that last phone call, I love that man and I always will.

As I'm one of those people that has to turn my life into something so that it has meaning, I do that here as well. When I went through a series of miscarriages, I woke up then and became a published author because I couldn't stand the thought of those souls coming here and leaving and that not making a difference in some way. Their lives, short as they were, meant something and I felt like the caretaker of that. I feel the same now. Our love meant something and I'm the caretaker of that.

Being with Tony changed me, taught me, challenged me, all I know to do with that is live it and write about it. I went to a party at Disney World the other night. They were doing a summer kick off having the Magic Kingdom park open for a full 24 hours. Now I didn't go the full 24, I got there about 8pm and stayed until the next morning, leaving the park at 6am when it closed. It was fun. I laughed more in those few hours then I have in a very long time and it reminded me to live. To enjoy my time here because none of us really know what waits outside this lifetime, but what I do believe is that we are here to experience being human and too many on spiritual paths seem to want to exclude that part from their walk.

I can't say, maybe they are called to that, but for me, I believe that experiencing humanity is an important part of this life. Feel the emotions, the love, the ego, the fear, the joy. Taste the food, touch old trees that have been here before you and will be here after you... connect with this planet and these people in it with you.

Whatever we believe about twin flames, I guarantee you we're wrong, but it's not something we're going to really know until we return to the spiritual. So I say take the good, leave the bad, live your life and find great love using all you've learned and all you've become.

I'm doing that with my Starlight Key serial, I'm writing about real love, the stuff people think doesn't exist anymore, but we know and I'm not afraid to write it and be criticized for it. I'm also open for love again in my own life, a real romantic partnership with someone who adores and treasures me. I've had the karmic relationships, my catalyst relationship, I've had the twin flame, now I just want something beautiful that will fulfill my experience with romantic love.

Before I met Tony, I really don't think I had the ability to make a relationship last, I don't think I was capable of having what I would now call a "real" relationship because I didn't understand what a true partnership meant. I didn't understand love and certainly not unconditional love. I couldn't stand up for myself. I didn't understand life wasn't about making sure your had your boundaries set, but that you could live with open boundaries and trust yourself to deal with inappropriate house guests.

Now I do and I won't believe I learned all that to simply be alone from here. I live each day with hope and optimism... well and some days still with fear, but that won't stop me!

Like I said at the top, my whole world is different and though this journey has been long and painfully slow at times, I know in my soul everything I've gone through and everything I've become is in flight now and creating the life that I've always wanted, the one in my dreams at night and my visions during the day.

I think if I could sum up my twin flame experience I'd say it was the best relationship never meant to last. It was my death and re-birth. It was my everything in one moment and now I feel like I can do anything.